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Dear Self Degradation...

Dear Self Degradation,

You don't own me.

You can't make me feel worthless.

You can't make me feel like my life doesn't matter.

You can't make me want to kill myself and leave this life.

Why?

Because I know you're wrong. 

How do I know that?

Because my God is bigger than all that.

I used to feel like I wasn't enough for everyone...not a good enough daughter to my parents, sister to my siblings, friend to the people I care about, and girlfriend to my amazing boyfriend...but that's over.

I know now that I was wrong. There's a reason they all love me. It's because deep down they choose to...because I AM enough for them.

On top of that, I can feel like a bad Christian. Like I'll never be good enough, not doing enough, not spiritual enough, etc. 

I know now that it's not about what I do...it's about how much God loves me regardless of what I do. It's about how He loved me enough to send His Son to die for me so that He can look at me as a child. Oh, and how as His child, my worth doesn't change no matter what I do.

You know what too?

I can prove it. I can prove He loves me. Yes, He does. Enough to die for me. I can prove He views me as His child. I can prove He puts me in a high enough position to make me His heir along with His perfect Son. And it's all because of Jesus. Take a look at these verses:

"But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." 
-Romans 8:28

"Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new." 
-2 Corinthians 5:17

"For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life." 
-John 3:16

"And if children, then heirs; heirs of God, and joint-heirs with Christ..." 
-Romans 8:17b

All in all, I'm saying that I can't believe bad things about myself anymore. Because if I'm really not good enough for anyone, it's only that I'm not good enough for myself. It's that I feel I won't meet the standards I think everyone thinks I should...but those are all made up in my head. I'm enough for God. I'm enough for my family. I'm enough for my friends. I'm enough for my boyfriend. I should be enough for myself. I will keep growing in Christ, but just because I'm perfect doesn't make me worthless. 

So self degradation...our relationship has to be over. 

Sincerely,
Sydney

What A Chessboard Can Teach You About The People In Your Life

I like to find the deeper meaning in the small things of life. So maybe that's why when I saw this life-size Chess set, I had to take some artsy pictures so that I could post them on Instagram with some catchy caption. The problem? I couldn't come up with one. Until the other night - almost a month later. 

I value friendship. A whole lot. If you haven't guessed yet, my friends mean the world to me. So yeah, try looking at this from that perspective.

Let's say a Chess game is your life. Because it's your existence, you're the king of the chessboard. You know many diverse and unique people, and those are represented by the many different pieces in each set. Those people serve different roles in your life. Some protect, some support, some help you achieve success, one is your companion for life (your spouse, aka the queen), and others are just there for you.

But, of course, there comes a time in each of our lives that we all have to let go of our friends. Sometimes it's because people that are on the opposing side take them from us, still other times they get hurt because they were defending us, and oftentimes life just makes us go our separate ways. 

One thing I have learned though is that there are times that you don't completely lose some of the people in your life. In this case, different pieces may end up in less prominent positions in our lives, but are still there if we need them.

So yeah, this post was short, but those were my thoughts. Just always remember that God puts the pieces in their strategic positions throughout the game and He always has your best interest at heart. So sit back and watch His mighty hand guide the pieces of your life from your perspective, as the king of your own chessboard. 

"For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end." ~Jeremiah 29:11

Love,

Sydney

(Romans 8:28)

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Does What You Do Define Who You Are?

No, it doesn't.

It's kind of crazy to believe. I know for me that when I do something wrong I end up jumping to the worst idea and saying that I don't do anything right or all I'm capable of is bad. And that is FALSE.

I've been struggling lately...a lot. I'll admit it. I wonder if I've been battling depression for a little over a month now. The other day, my aunt had a little bit of a talk with me. She wants me to stop being discouraged and putting myself down. She said a lot of good things and made some great points but the thing that really hit me hard was when she said something like, "What you do isn't who you are. You can do stuff but that doesn't mean that's who you are. Cause who you are is always a blessing."

That encouraged me and so I texted that to my best friend and then she and I went into a debate on how specifically this could be true. Here's how I'd explain it:

All people are created by God. He created us in His image, which means that we were intended to be perfect, like He is. However, ever since Adam and Eve ate the forbidden fruit in the Garden of Eden, we have been marred. We sin, and thus, are no longer perfect. But then comes the question? Are people completely sinful? Someone who has stolen and lied and cheated can still do nice things for someone with their intentions being selfless. Very true. So how do we explain this? Well, to us, that is good. People can still be "good" in our eyes. However, God says that all our righteousness is as filthy rags (Isaiah 64:6). Why? That is because we are no longer perfect so He sees us as flawed individuals. Nevertheless, we know that Jesus died for us (Romans 5:6), and that when we accept His gift of salvation, God sees us in a new light. He only sees Jesus righteousness that both washed away our sins as well as lives inside of us. We are truly good to both Him and to humanity. 

So does what we do define us? No, it doesn't. That's because we were all made fearfully and wonderfully (Psalm 139:14). We sin, but there is a way out and Jesus is always waiting with open arms to forgive anyone that will turn to Him (1 Timothy 2:4; 1 John 1:9)...and God can see us as perfect through the eyes of His Son. The reason what we do doesn't define who we are is that there is ALWAYS HOPE. And that hope is through Jesus. 

Much love <3,
Sydney

Friendship, Goodbyes, Loneliness, and God (Jotting down my thoughts...)

Nineteen. A lot of my blog has focused on me turning and then being nineteen. I was very positive on my birthday. I posted and said some things about this year being the best one yet. Sure, there's nothing wrong with being optimistic, but let me tell you...nineteen has been weird. Super weird. There's been the ups...and the downs...and a bunch of stuff I regret. There's been hellos and goodbyes.  There's been lonely nights. Plenty of times I've just cried really hard. There was one time I was almost positive I could feel God's arm around me. Days I wish I didn't exist.

I want to change. I want to be perfect. I want to fit in. I want to be accepted. But I guess that's not the right basis for change. But then I want to be myself. I want to relax. I want to just be me...but wiser.

I want to grow closer to God. But I don't want to do that because I feel pressured to in order to be accepted by other people. 

I want to quit feeling this way. How do I quit feeling this way? 

There's one thing I know. God is always there. He needs to be my Best Friend. I need to want Him for the right reasons. He loves me. He will use everything for my good. 

Lord, draw me nearer.

I hope next time will be more encouraging. 

Love, 

Sydney

When Time Is Too Short...

This is a story about my wonderful friends Ben (almost 16) and Hannah (14)....

The Awana year had just begun when they first started attending. I still remember the first day they came. It was Silly Hat Night and I was wearing a golden "Abraham Lincoln" type of hat. We met and then I mentioned that I only go to that church for Awana and not for the Sunday services by saying something like, "Yeah I don't go to church..." Ben replied teasingly, "You don't go to church?!" I'm like, "well not here." That's how it all started. 

Time went on and Hannah worked in Sparks with us for a while. She was fun to be around but after a few weeks she got moved to Cubbies. 

Also, Ben was in T&T. Thus, I never really hung out with either of them. Finally, probably over halfway thought the Awana year, Ben was temporarily moved to Sparks for one night and we hung out some. It was then that we started to hang out and I realized that he's really cool.

So my friend Nathan (whom I've known for years) and him worked up in the sound booth at Awana. So eventually, I ended up hanging out with them. I had so much fun doing that, but always felt like I was unwanted and I didn't really have a legitimate reason to be in there. 

However, before too long, I found out I was wrong. Ben decided to revamp the singing portion they'd do during lesson time with the T&T kids. One day when I was hanging out with them in the sound booth, he looked over and asked me if I want to play the piano for it. I agreed and we began to plan and practice together before club. I still hung out with them in the church's sound booth and actually felt like I had a reason to. It was during that time that I found out that Ben and I would both laugh uncontrollably at the stupidest stuff.

I also ended up hanging out in the Trek/Journey/Youth room with a bunch of teens and their awesome leader. Ben and Hannah were both in there and a lot of the time the entire group would just end up talking and singing and laughing. One time Ben, Miss Mindy (their leader), and I laughed so hard we cried. Ben and I would also hang out some and insult each other just a little bit jokingly.

We continued to do music for T&T. Eventually, my friend Anna joined us and we realized we were going to need more than 10 minutes of practice. So we planned to get together one Sunday afternoon at my church. It was fun and we were way more prepared--we sounded better and everything went much smoother. 

The next weekend my sister, mom, and I went to a local Christian girl's conference called "Not For Sale." I spent the weekend with quite a few wonderful girls I know, one of them being Hannah. I feel like we really connected and became better friends because of that time. :) It was really cool because my mom and their mom really connected as well.

Therefore, the very day after the conference ended, Mom, Anna, and I went to their house so that Ben, Anna, and I could practice for music time at Awana. We were there for about 45 minutes before we had to leave because both my family and their family had things going on soon after that. We laughed, talked, practiced and had a real blast (as is pretty usual). When our mothers came into the room to announce we had to leave, some of us mentioned our disappointment that the fun was over so soon. 

It was going to be our last week to play music at Awana for this year and after two weeks, the entire year of club ends. As I walked out their front door Ben said something about not seeing each other all summer and I said, "No we will. We just have to plan stuff." He agreed. It will happen...it needs to!

I love Ben and Hannah because they are super great friends to have. They know how to have a good time, tease you relentlessly, and laugh super hard...but they also know how to be serious. There've been times that Ben and I would just start talking about convictions on things at the drop of a hat or I would just spill some of the details of a pretty personal story to him, or that we'd talk about their sister who had run away from home. There was one time that Hannah actually cried on my shoulder about her little brother that had died and I just held her for a little while. Not every friendship you make will be that close after a little over half a year. I'm truly privileged to have been able to meet them and blessed to have them as my good friends.

Once we got into the car and my mom said, "That was way too short." I agreed. And now that I think about it now, I see her sentence as an analogy.

You see, the thing is, not only is 45 minutes too short for a visit with them, but 2 years is too short a time to have with them. They're a military family and so they move to a different base every 2 years. It's really sad. I'm going to miss them.

It's a fact of life. Time is too short. However, the limited time they have here will be spent well. I want to take advantage of every month they are here because I love them. I could just decide not to hang out with them so that I don't get attached to them and then am hurt when they have to leave. But no, they're amazing people and I will become good friends with me even if the pain of missing them nearly kills me. Also, in the words of Wild Style (from the LEGO movie), "I don't like goodbyes. So let's just call this, 'see you later!'" I don't want it to end when they move away. Thankfully we have technology in this day in age to help us keep in touch. And, when all time passes, we have eternity together in heaven because we all believe in the same wonderful God. He brought us all together in the first place and He's the reason we are friends...and always will be family. :)

My Friends Are Like My Family?

Tonight I started thinking about my friends. I'm not sure how it was sparked on, but one of the things on my mind lately is the fact that my best guyfriend is graduating with his associates degree tomorrow (well at the hour I'm writing this, it's technically today, haha). He's only 17 and pushed really hard the last couple of years through early college. He graduates from high school in about a month and is moving away to finish university at the end of the summer. I already don't see him enough (and he lives like just a few miles from me) and so you can only begin to imagine how much I'm going to miss him. That said, I really am proud of him and all that he has accomplished. I want him to pursue his dreams and God's plan for his life. I've known him since he was a kid (and by that I mean I've known him since he was an awkward little tween...if I may say it) and to see him grow up and watch him achieve everything he has makes my heart swell with pride. I can't help it if I have an older sister or even a mom streak. I guess it's just how I am.

So yeah, it's stuff like that--realizing that he's graduating with his associates early, hearing my bestie got promoted to a higher position right after he started his job, thinking of being there every step of the way to see my 12-year-old best friend grow up, and even seeing my childhood friends perform their own little musical comedy act--that can make me feel so proud or even tear up. 

That said, I started to realize a couple things about my friends tonight. Not only are my lifelong closest friends my siblings, and my biological siblings my best friends, but my best friends are also like my siblings in a sense. I get super proud of them in a way that an older sister (or even a mom...yeah, I just aged myself :P) would. They're like my family. I want to be there with them to celebrate their accomplishments, mourn their sorrows, and support them every step of the way--to be there as if our veins carried blood from the same two parents.

As you can tell, I feel really close to my friends. I think that's because with most of them, we have the bond of Christ between us. We do have the same blood...the blood of Jesus. It has covered us. He has called us His own and forgiven our sins as He alone can do. We are siblings...and perhaps that's why I feel this way.

I like to believe that God put certain people in my life for specific reasons. I pray over my friendships...that God would guide them. Oh, and let me say, I have some amazing friends right now. God has placed them in my life, and, in the here and now, they are my world...and they are my family. :) As it has been said, "Family is not about blood. It's about who is willing to hold your hand when you need it the most." Those words ring so true for me. <3

Thank you, God, for the people you have placed in my life. I love you guys.

Love, 
Sydney